Montreal, Canada

The long road ahead

Everyone met up at Ted's place, early Saturday morning to begin the 7-hour trek on the 401. Chiu, Ted and Cheese in one car. Lesley, Emiko, Ulala and me in the other. The long drive was full of chatter, snacks and laughter. I was glad to have chosen the car that was laden with food and women.

The first stop, as I suppose it should always be on a road trip, was Tim Horton's. We needed coffee and Chiu needed to meet up with his car club friends, who were also heading to Montreal for a show.

Longueil, at long last

Apparently, the Mapquest instructions that I printed out for Chiu were less than user-friendly. Their car ended up turning off at the wrong exit and they spent about a half hour driving around aimlessly. While Chiu was telling me this over the phone, I tried my best to sound concerned, but couldn't help laughing.

Then Life gave me one of those ironic bitchslaps, you know, the ones you get when you laugh at orphan children or set fire to injured nuns. Just as we were approaching the hotel (I was planning how I'd rub it in Chiu's face that he got lost and we didn't), Lesley turned on the wrong street and we found ourselves travelling back over the bridge from Longueil to Montreal.

The tank was nearly empty and we had no clue how to get back onto the tiny-ass side road that the hotel was on. By the time we figured it out, a smug-looking Chiu had arrived and was waiting for us in the lobby. Bastard!

The hotel fucked up our reservations, so they only had one room available, rather than the two we booked. It was funny at first, but got less funny when I realized that the sleeping arrangements would be different than the car arrangements. I'd either have to sleep on the floor, inhaling the sludge of a thousand people's feet off the carpet or next to Ted that night.

I slept on the floor.

The beds, though seemingly clean, aren't really that much better than the floor. I've heard that they don't wash the bed covers, only the linens. Being that I spent a good hour lying down on the covers until Lesley told me this, my back (which I later rubbed on all the pillows, when no one was looking) was covered in miscellaneous blood and semen - not to mention the hair fibres of countless missing children.

Everyone but me and Lesley played a little poker to unwind after the long drive. Sitting back from the group, observing, I found it strange that everyone was getting along so well...too well, in fact.

Call me crazy, but when things go so smoothly, I feel the need to throw a wrench into things. Hopefully, I would be able engineer a death or incarceration by the end of the trip.

The Bar B Barn - All class, all the time

For dinner, we found ourselves at the Bar B Barn. I ordered the Half Hawg with fries, but only got through a quarter Hawg. As we were eating, Chiu related a story of the last time he was here with his dragon boat team. They started a chugging contest and somehow got an entire bridal party involved. This time, it was a little less rowdy, with only Ted and Emiko pounding back beers like it was going out of style.

Supermarket Hijinx

After eating, we walked around for a bit and couldn't decide what to do. We were all tired and our stomachs were so full of meat that it was beginning to seep into our bladders. In the end, Ted looked like he was going to collapse on the street somewhere, so we just bought some wine and food, then headed back to the hotel to relax a little.

On the way back, Chiu, who was in charge of carrying the wine, dropped it on the subway platform. Two uniformed metro security people came out of their office and gave him a dirty look, while radioing for back up.

You would think that Chiu, of all people, would have a masterful grip, but I guess not. Way to go, jackass.

Cheese really wanted Chiu's sausage in his mouth. Homos.