April 7th, 2002. Insanity in a box.

(sorry for the irrelavent pictures, but it's late at night and these are all I have)

Most people are mildly psychotic - for some reason, being Japan makes it worse. You don't notice this if you are in the environment, but once you step back and look at what is going on around you, more often than not you begin to wonder how the world made it through the day without exploding due to the gross incompetence and general strangeness of the people around you.

Case in point: the Japanese import labour from western countries to teach their people the fine art of speaking English. Fine. The one flaw (and a major flaw it is) is that they have western recruiters. Westerners being what they are, tend not to do a very good job with the screening process (I got through, didn't I?). When the only criteria are a pulse and a four year degree, you get some pretty messed up characters lining up to get into the country.

There are some normal people here, but they eventually go nuts from the job itself. Here's a snippit of some of the dialogue that goes on in this place. Keep in mind, we were all normal at one point or another. Here are the characters, quickly:

AA = Aussie A BG = British Girl CG = Canadian Guy JB = Jon Boy

KD = Kiwi D KS = Kurisu VV = Viscious V Me = Brian in Japan

Conversation #1

VV: Guess who's in voice class (free conversation class). It's that [student X] guy again! Fuckin' hell mate, he's here every goddamn day. It's like, get a life, mate!
BG: Yeah, he really should kill himself.

Conversation #2

BG: Would you like a chewing gum?
VV: Why? Does my breath smell?
BG: I just thought that you might want one. Calm down.
VV: Oh, sorry.

[2 minutes later]

VV: Hey, can I have a chewing gum?
BG: Oh, changed our mind, have we?
VV: Yeah.
BG: Good, because your breath does smell.
VV: I hate you.

Conversation #3

VV: [student Y] is so hot.
BG: He is, but I have a crush on [student Z]. I don't know why.
VV: He's just a fuckin' kid, mate! What are you, a fuckin' pedophile?
BG: No, no, of course not. I just like 'em young.

Conversation #4

VV: Who just had [student Y]?. I hope I get him again soon.
BG: Brian just had him in his class. You lucky bastard. He's so sexy. God I love him.
Me: Yeah, I had to sit with the files over my crotch the entire lesson.
BG: Ha ha! Shut up. I really think he's sexy. He told me that he was going to [restaurant name] after class, maybe that means he wants me to join him.
CG (unable to contain himself after that leap of twisted logic): You see the hole you are digging yourself into with this, don't you?
VV: Yeah, he's married, you know.
BG: I know. And it's not like I could do anything anyway. I don't go out with married men... [slight hesitation as she remembers that she did just that, not four days ago] ...unless he pays for me.

Conversation #5

Me: Hey. You're the new teacher, right? Where are you from?
JB: Western New York.
Me: Yeah? I'm from Toronto. We get all your TV feeds. What's the deal with Gambino Ford, anyway?
JB: Yeah. Sorry about that. We hate them too. "Buy or cars or we'll bury you in them."

Conversation #6

KD: How're you going?
Me: How am I going where?
KD: It means how are you doing? in Oz.
Me: Oh, ok. What'd you do last night?
KD: Nothing much, just had some piss.
Me: What?
KD: That's what we call beer in Oz. They even have a brand of light beer there called Piss Weak.
Me: That's insane. You Aussies have your own language.
KD: Sure. We drink piss to get pissed. And sometimes when some guy's off his tits, he'll get on someone's tits, a fight breaks out and we all have a good chunder. But as long as you pull up ok in the morning, it's all fine.
Me: Uh, right...so, "Who's on First?"

Conversation #7

Me: Hey, can you really light a fart?
KS: Yeah, sure you can.
Me: How do you know? I think it's just a myth.
KS: No, it's real. We used to do it in junior high.
AA: So what does it look like then?
KS: Well it depends. Sometimes it's like a long line of fire, and other times, it's like a puff of blue flame.
AA: You Americans are lovely.
KS: And that's not all. Sometimes, after you fart, it creates a vaccuum and sucks the air back inside your ass. This one guy I know lit one too close and sucked the flame inside his ass. He said it hurt like hell when he took shits afterwards.

Conversation #8

[VV is playing with a utility knife, between classes]

Me: Careful there V, you don't want to hurt yourself.
VV: Yeah, thanks.
Me: What the hell are you doing anyway?
VV: Trimming my cuticles...Ow! Shit, I cut my finger.
CG: Better get a tattoo now.

(for those of you who don't get this, it's a sure sign of being a Yakuza member if you are missing fingers and have tattoos)

Of course, this isn't to say that I don't like the people I work with. It's quite the contrary actually. They're possibly the greatest people I have met in a work environment. And I'm only highlighting the stranger parts of our conversations. Apart from these bits, there are long conversations about things like films, relationships, politics, science, economics, Japan and martial arts. The list is endless. You would think that with all the talking we do throughout the day, we'd take a break at some point.

If it weren't for the colour and energy they breathe into the teacher's room with such bouts of dialogue, I would have been back home before the first snowfall.