Shanghai, China

Xin Tian Di

Eddie and James decided to take Jeff and me to Xin Tian Di (New Heaven and Earth - Chinese names are always so dramatic). It was a nice change from some of the other places we'd seen. Clean streets, (relatively) expensive restaurants and bars and tourists who weren't stepping over one another. It was like being at home.

Last time I was here, I was trying desperately not to faint from the heat as I attempted to pick out my tourguide's blue hat in a sea of other tourguides' blue hats. I remember the World Cup was on at the time and every other restaurant had a large screen TV broadcasting a match. It was calmer this time around, which is the way I like it.

For lunch, we went to Din Tai Fung, as I'd been bothering the guys to take me out for xiao long bao. As we entered the hostess smiled at us. It was such a shock that it stopped us all in our tracks. See, one of the prevailing traits you'll notice about people in Shanghai is that nobody smiles. You don't really pick up on it until someone points it out to you. On our way in, each of the wait staff we passed also smiled at us and welcomed us. Lunch was off to a good start and we hadn't even been seated yet.

The place was clean, the food was good and the service was excellent. It was such a stark contrast from some of the other experiences, it was difficult to believe that it all took place in the same city. This isn't to say we'd been hitting some dumps, but Xin Tian Di caters to foreigners and tourists.

I took my time sipping my Coke at the end of the meal, just so that we could sit there a little longer. Alas, Coke does not last forever and soon, we headed out in search of more adventure.

Old Town

Day four and I still had no souvenirs. Ironic, considering this country produces souvenirs for the rest of the world. The next time you find yourself at a gift shop in a place like Niagara Falls, check the back or the bottom of any item there. There's a good chance you'll find a Made in China sticker.

The Old Town looked promising. Lots of tourists means lots of crap being sold. Lots of crap being sold means lots of souvenirs to choose from. I was bound to find some postcards here.

I stalked from store to store, through the crowds with the rest of the guys in tow. I'm a terrible shopper. I hate it and it hates me, but it's something that needs to be done. Nothing was catching my eye and I wasn't able to find any postcards! I eventually tired of the whole ordeal and just settled for sightseeing.

As we moved through the hordes, we came across a golden tree. I'm not sure what the significance of it was, but probably had something to do with fortune. Children and adults alike were flinging red ribbons tied to an old-style coin at the branches. Despite the number of people throwing like 7 year-old girls (and hence missing the branches and pegging some poor bystander), it was all relatively orderly.

Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself:

I was walking with James at one point and out of nowhere a teenaged girl stepped out in front of him and started speaking to him in English.

"Are you from Australia?", she asked in very passable English. James just nodded and kept walking. Puzzled, I grabbed him and asked what just happened. As far as I was concerned, she heard his accent and was immediately won over by his probable croc-wrestling ability and skill with a barby.

"Think about it." he said, "In a city where most people don't speak English, a pretty, young girl stops you and tries to strike up a conversation in a tourist area. She was definitely trying to sell something, be it shitty art, drugs or herself. Either way, had I stayed, I would have left poorer."

Good point. I wonder how many chumps she nails a day. It pains me to say this, but honestly, how hard is it to sucker men into doing, well just about anything, if you're cute enough?

In the end, I didn't get any souvenirs and no one stopped me to ask if I was from Canada, despite me speaking at the top my voice each time I passed by a cute girl. But I did get to see a money-changer in action.

Dodgy guy with a little man purse...just the way Eddie said he'd look.

On the way back, we stopped into a tailor shop to pick up some shirts Jeff had made for him. Upon seeing the quality of the workmanship, I had five made for myself, with an agreement that they would be ready for pick up the following day, or I wouldn't be obligated to buy them. For $12 CAD a pop, how could I say no?

I would have had more made, but there was no time, plus this was just the first leg of my trip. Didn't want to fill up my suitcases just yet.

Blend of 11 special herbs and spices and copyright infringement

To my surprise, no fried chicken sold at this place. (My crappy Chinese tells me that this says Emperor of Eternal Harmony - I could be wrong about that. Still doesn't help me with what they sell, because I'm pretty sure it ain't peace of mind.)

And again...

Tomorrow, two things:

1. Jeff going back to Japan.
2. I turn 28

This is how I will always remember James. Fucked up, no clue where he is and sitting on the ground, covered in miscellaneous scraps of tissue paper. The same as he was when I first met him in Japan.

We went to yet another hostess club as a send-off for Jeff and to celebrate my birthday. Went through the same thing as the other night and the festivities were underway. My hostess' name was Jenny (well, that's close to her real name, which I wasn't able to pronounce) from Szechuan. We started with some drinking games. At first, she was letting me win (I didn't realize at the time because I'm an idiot), but when I moved from shots to chugging half glasses of whiskey, she turned it on. Five minutes later, I was lying on the couch, begging her to stop.

I should have known better, having seen one of the other hostesses pull off some serious moves with a cup and some dice. Eddie, no doubt disgusted with my sorry display, stepped in to take my place. 15 minutes later, he was out. Then came good old James. She strung him along as well, letting him win a few games and just when he thought he was in the clear, she turned on the hustle and just raped him. In the clip, the glass Jenny knocks back is Jack Daniels, straight.

One of the guys must have tipped off the management that it was my birthday because part way through the night, the mamasan walked in with a huge cake for me. I was serenaded with the birthday song in each person's respective language (luckily, they all follow the same tune), but at the end, I got For He's A Jolly Good Fellow from the guys (the "and so say all of us" variant, rather than the "that nobody can deny" version I am familiar with). It was nice. Now whenever I hear Happy Birthday, it sounds too short.

Check out the photos and you will see what looks like a large tulip bulb. This was the most elaborate candle I'd ever seen. When you lit it, the petals opened up and it played Happy Birthday...ad nauseam.

After we had finished the cake, the candle was still playing Happy Birthday. Eddie eventually got so annoyed with it that he stepped on it, but it kept on going. Each of James and Jeff had their go at it as well, but to no avail. They dropped it into a glass of water, but it kept playing. This just goes to show that the Chinese workmanship of old has not totally disappeared, but it surfaces in the oddest places.

The Short Hair Restaurant

After the hostess club, we went to get some food at a restaurant where all the waitresses were required to have short hair. Jenny came out with us to eat, which I thought was kind of weird, but apparently is normal here.

Above is a photo of James, still drunk out of his mind from the beginning of the night, chatting up his favourite waitress. Turns out that these guys have been here a few times after a night of hard drinking. Everyone chuckled at us as we came in. I would soon learn why.

When James drinks, he gets rowdy. Not just regular rowdy, but Aussie rowdy. Eddie had to force him into a corner and threaten him with bodily harm before he quieted down. However, the promise of violence can only hold James for so long. He eventually sat up and started sticking pieces of food to his forehead and asking the waitresses if he had anything on his face, between his Steve Irwin impressions and aborigine jokes (they were making ME uncomfortable, if that's any indication as to how bad they were).

I was worried that we were going to get kicked out, or that a pissed off chef would come out from the kitchen brandishing a cleaver, but the staff all seemed to love him there, looking upon his antics as light-hearted tomfoolery, expected of foreigners who don't know any better.

Jeff and Jenny had a hot pepper eating contest, but being that she's from Szechuan and he from Brisbane, it wasn't much of a contest. The night ended with Jenny giggling while Jeff drank anything and everything within reach.

Breakfast

By the time we got home, it was about an hour or two til sunrise. I didn't even bother sleeping. Instead I went out to the corner convenience store and picked up a boxed meal for 6 yuan. This would be the single worst mistake I made this entire trip. Spent the rest of the morning trying to get it out of me.