Shanghai, China

The following morning

Due to a unique combination of adrenaline and jetlag, I found myself wide awake at 5:30am, despite the fact that we got home around 3. Since everyone was still sleeping, I had to find a quiet way of entertaining myself for the next few hours.

Outside, the day had already started for the rest of the city. From the old folks taking their morning strolls, to miscellaneous wandering locals to the whistling garbage man who never seems to run out of tunes to whistle, nor trash to collect. I went outside with my CD player (broke the MP3 player my sister gave me a few years ago) and sat on the steps, watching people go by and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was actually in Shanghai.

In typical Chinese fashion, no one gave me a second look as they went on their early-morning business.

The thing with traveling is that you never really are prepared for what you are going to see - especially when you are like me and prepare by thumbing through a Lonely Planet guide on the plane, while half-watching X-Men 3 on a flickering TV set, 10 feet away.

Here's what I saw.

The condo complex reminded me a lot of the type that I saw while in Hong Kong. Self-contained spires, reaching skyward, housing enough people to fill Maple Leaf Gardens. Perhaps most surprising for me was the sight of all the cars. I don't know what I was expecting to see, but it wasn't a fleet of shiny silver Fords.

Story on something else I saw: While waiting for everyone to get ready, Jeff and I were sitting in the living room talking. I mentioned to him that I heard a weird sound in the morning, like a strangled meowing. Jeff said he heard it too and jokingly said that people were probably murdering kittens outside.

When everyone was ready to go, we opened the door and saw a decapitated cat in the parking lot. The head was about half a foot from the body. Despite reading the Lonely Planet guide, I didn't see that one coming.

Korean BBQ

When the guys finally woke up (no doubt, due to me tromping around the place), we decided to find a place to eat. For those of you who think that siesta only happens in Latin countries, think again. Restaurants close here between 3pm and 6pm. This makes finding something to eat a bit of a challenge if you wake up at 2pm.

I should probably mention at this point that I had the good fortune to arrive during a week-long national holiday, so the city was "deserted." Of course, downtown Toronto is also deserted by Chinese standards, so you take that with a grain of salt. But you would expect there to be more traffic.

We eventually found a Korean place in Gubei that was open. It's my second day in China and I have yet to have any Chinese food. Odd, no? I'm not really complaining, because it's not like I can't get Chinese food at home (we Chinese just call it "food" in case you are wondering) and I like Korean BBQ.

Grey skies and hangovers (well, not me) make for poor sightseeing conditions, so we decided to take it easy for the day. Ended up going to a huge shopping complex called Carrefour. Think of Walmart on steroids and filled with Chinese people. I bought toothbrushes because they were cheap and you can never be too careful when it comes to dental hygiene.

"Tonight," proclaimed Eddie and James, "tonight we are going to take you out to a hostess club."

I wasn't sure whether I should be happy or scared.

The Hostess Club

The first time I'd ever heard of a hostess club was back when I was teaching English in Tokyo. It sounded oh-so-seedy to me, but my students were adamant that there was nothing of the sort going on. Paying women to spend time with you? It smacks of prostitution, or extreme lameness. Either way, it wasn't something that ever appealed to me. Not to mention the hourly rates charged would be enough to pay your rent, after a single evening.

So for those of you who have no clue what I am talking about, check this out. Or you can consult the all-knowing oracle that is Google.

If you are interested to know what the experience is like, continue reading. I'll tell you right now that it is probably not what you are expecting. It sounds really seedy, but it's not (my family reads this site, I wouldn't write about if it was questionable). The hostesses really DO just sit with you and pour you drinks.

Also, you may be slightly perturbed by how the entire process works, as I felt a little uncomfortable writing about it. It's not to say that I didn't have a lot of fun (I did, once I got over the initial shock of it), but it's just not something I was used to.

There are no dirty pictures below, but you probably don't want kids looking at this...especially if I know your kids. I wouldn't want anything to tarnish the reputation of saintly Uncle Brian.

Be warned.

The Approach

We walked up to what looked kind of like a small casino. Enormous doors that opened outwards, a cascading stairway that wound it way down from the second floor, covered in velvet and women who smiled and greeted us upon entry.

At the top of the stairs I found what looked a lot like a really fancy karaoke joint. A beautifully-decorated and dimly lit hallway that branched off into many different individual rooms. The walls were lined with women in evening dresses and vases.

The greeter lead us into a room and told us to sit on the couches. Again, looked like a fancy karaoke joint. Huge TV, nice big couches along three walls and glass coffee tables in the middle. We were introduced to our waitress, who would be bringing us drinks and food all night. She took our order, poured our drinks and left us alone.

I began to feel a little nervous, like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. I looked over at Jeff (also a rookie) and could tell he was going through the same thing. Eddie gave me a look that said, "Stop being such a little pussy."

I tried not to be.

The Selection

Here is where it began to get really weird for me. The mamasan (the head hostess) came to our door with a horde of women behind her. And I do mean a horde. They filled up all the space behind her in the hallway...I'd never seen so many women in one place before.

Then the selection process began. Ten by ten, the women lined up before us. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even lift my head to look at them. Jeff was also avoiding eye contact, while Eddie and James nonchalantly asked us if anyone struck our fancy. It was at this point that I knew I was in over my head and I needed to get out.

Though I am hardly what I would consider a feminist, this had crossed a line. Not only had it crossed it, it did the fucking long jump over it. I was not prepared for this. Ten by ten, women lined up in front of us like the von Trapp children and were waved away by the mamasan when she didn't see us motion to one of the women. Each time a group was sent away, I felt like a bigger and bigger asshole.

This went on for what seemed like an hour, but was probably much less. Eventually, we had gone through the entire crew, but we hadn't picked. Now, these women were attractive, but it was just so far outside of the social norm for us Western folk that I just sat there stupidly, waiting for someone to tell me what to do next.

The mamasan, pleasant as ever, cycled through the women again and began making recommendations. By this time, I was beginning to numb to the situation. I smiled at the first girl who entered (second time around) and she came to sit down beside me. That seemed to break the ice and in a few minutes, the door closed. We were now eight (well nine, counting the waitress).

(note: for those of you snickering at me right now, I tell you it's easy to joke about having your pick of women, but being in the situation is actually quite uncomfortable. Just try it the next time you are in Asia - don't think they have this sort of thing in countries where gender equality is a little more prevalent.)

Ming Ming

This is Ming Ming, my hostess for the evening. She was the only one not wearing an evening gown, which made me feel a little more comfortable. My Mandarin is worse than my French, which is horrendous on a good day, so needless to say conversation was difficult...but that's what the alcohol was for.

Singing, drinking games and laughter filled the room. I learned to play two drinking games, fully in Mandarin, which just goes to show that motivation is key to any achievement. As the night progressed, the girls changed out of their evening dresses and into their regular clothes for some reason. Then, the insanity started.

The Urinal

Earlier in the evening, before leaving the house, James pulled me aside to warn me that something weird would happen to me if I went to take a piss at the hostess club. I made sure I went before I left.

Part way through the night, the beer I had drank began to make its way out of me. I fought it for as long as I could, but eventually caved and went to the bathroom.

As I approached the door, I ran innumerable scenarios through my head as to what could possibly be awaiting me beyond the door. Monkey butler? Scantily-clad women? Glass stall dividers? I mean it's China, there's no telling what people will do when there is effectively no laws for people with money.

It was something of a let down when I finally pushed the door open to find a rather elegant looking men's room, with a bored-looking (male) bathroom attendant.

I sauntered up to the urinal farthest away from the attendant and began to go. A moment later, I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, slowly kneading away. The shock almost caused me to pee on myself. I looked back and it was the attendant, massaging me as I peed!

In faltering Mandarin, I asked him to stop. When I was done and had washed my hands, I gave him 10 RMB (double the regular tip because I'm a high roller) and asked him not to do that again if I came in again.

I can't go when someone is touching me.